NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP PATTERN: Idealize, Devalue, Discard. Love with a narcissist can be intoxicating until the discarding begins.


Confused about your relationship?  As a Psychic Medium I am very good at peering into the psychology of others.  I can see deeply into their souls.  Book a session with me to help gain insight into your relationship and learn what to do about it.  Spirit Medium Laura book HERE.

Have you ever met a man (or woman) that follows the following pattern?  Then you have encountered a narcissist.  It can cause post traumatic stress disorder, yet quite often is not even recognized by friends and family.

There is only one message your soul is sending you when this happens.  YOU AND THE NARCISSIST have met each other to grow in the area of love.  The underlying “growth” opportunity when encountering a narcissist is WORTHY OF LOVE.

Both you and the narcissist have growth to do in the area of feeling worthy of love.  Each of you will mirror each other in the symptoms delineated below.

For example, the first thing that a narcissist will do in order to “get” your love is to IDEALIZE you.  This is called LOVE BOMBING.

They will overwhelm you with love in various ways, such as gifts, sex, romance, flattery, etc.  The purpose is to make you open your heart to them so they can reject you.

This push pull syndrome indicates they DO NOT FEEL WORTHY of love, do not know HOW TO LOVE and do not believe they are worthy of the MUTUAL SUPPORT of love.

The narcissist feels loved when they see you writhing in pain.  They want to reject you before you can reject them.

A loving, mutually supportive relationship does not translate into a feeling of being loved or loving another for them.

Like the old rhyme, “Georgie, Porgie puddin’ n pie.  Kiss the girls and make them cry,” a narcissist will tend to know they are loved when they see the object of their love jealous, angry and writhing in pain for them.

But how and why are you fair prey for the narcissist?  A person with healthy self esteem will not be vulnerable to a narcissist.  So if you are vulnerable to one it is because you do not feel worthy of love.

Each feature of this syndrome will be mirrored in your low self esteem in some way.

So the way to heal from a narcissist is to work first on your sense of self worth and being lovable.

When you are going through this experience, if you do not understand it, certainly your friends and family will not either.  They might think there is something wrong with you.

This article seeks to make you aware of this as a distinct syndrome with a path out of it.

There are many narcissists on earth.  They usually did not receive the true bonding of loving care from their nurturers in early life.  They probably inherited the genes of a narcissist who was unable to love them fully.

Thus, their brains did not develop in the area of emotional connection.  They do not really know what love is, yet crave it as much as you might crave oxygen if deprived.  They want it but cannot get it.


Then you come along.  You are probably a sweet person, who has a lot of empathy.  Perhaps you are incomplete in yourself in some way.  Maybe you crave the love you did not receive from a nurturer, but you have empathy and are capable of love.

This is their target.  They are instinctively drawn to an individual who has a high degree of love to give and a high need to receive love.

After they “hook” you into loving them, they then devalue you and begin to discard you.  Why?  Because they cannot love.  They literally do not have the emotional development to love.

They create a faux love, mimicking what it appears to be, maybe what they learned by observing movies, media and people around them in a failed attempt to satisfy their  unsolvable need to receive love.

They then move to the next victim.

If you can see these individuals as damaged in some way, it might help in your recovery, as each narcissist I believe did not mean to hurt you.  They just cannot help to do what they do because they are damaged.

As well, if you can see what parts of you were available to the narcissist as a target, you can grow from this in self love, support and care.  You can develop your own sense of worthiness.

This comes up a lot in my sessions with clients.  I hope in revealing the pattern as a distinct syndrome, you will be well armed to begin the process of self support, healing and renewal.

There is life after this abuse.


  1. IDEALIZE YOU with LOVE BOMBING.  From the onset makes you feel more loved than anyone else ever in your life.  Gifts, flattering, attention, etc.
  2. SEXY.  The best and most sex you have ever had.  Narcissists are higher in testosterone than rest of population.
  3. SOUL MATE/ LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.  You might feel this is the love of your life, your soul mate.  Your narcissist will mirror everything you love.  Nothing you want, say or do is wrong or a problem.
  4. LYING.  The narcissist has a troubled relationship with reality.  Their truth is twisted to forward their current manipulative need.  An example of this is the sad story covered in next point.
  5. SAD STORY.  The narcissist has a sad story about their life, how they became a victim in some way.  Perhaps their first wife had emotional illness and raged at them and the kids.  These stories are designed to win your sympathy and further lock you into their web.
  6. DEVALUE YOU.  After you get the royal treatment, suddenly, when your narcissist feels s/he has you in love with them, your narcissist will start to devalue you, find fault, distance and begin to detach.  The hunt is complete.  You are now in the spider’s web, caught and ready for the narcissist to feed upon for attention at will.
  7. TRIANGULATION (love competition).  At this point you might start feeling there is someone else, or you might actually be introduced to someone else whom the narcissist planted in his or her life to get attention from you as they play the game of jealousy.
  8. JEALOUSY.  As you twist to get out of the spider’s web, as you begin to feel emotional pain, they will blame you for your jealously, negativity, angry outbursts, etc.  They enjoy the drama, because it gives them attention, energy and the illusion of love.  (Narcissists crave love, yet never can receive it.  That is their pathology.)
  9. DISCARD.  At this point after they have created a relationship so painful only the most callous can bear, they discard you, saying you are too jealous, angry, not confident enough as they continue to disparage you with other lovers or by now perhaps one in particular.
  10. HOOVERING.  After the discard they then attempt to continue to harvest attention (love) from you, by going back to you, then discarding you over and over again.  They suck you in to throw you out.
  11. FINALITY.  This pattern of IDEALIZE, DEVALUE and DISCARD can go on forever or until you or the narcissist ends it.


  1. NO CONTACT.  You have to create at least one year of complete distance, no contact, with the narcissist.  If you have children together, then you need to work out a system where you do not directly interact as much as possible.


  1. EDUCATION.  It is important to understand this narcissistic relationship pattern thoroughly.  One way is to get the book, “PSYCHOPATH FREE” by Jackson MacKenzie.

2.  THERAPY.  Counseling is usually needed if you have been subject to this type of relationship.  You did not get into the relationship without a need for it on some level.  What does it have to teach you?  Where is the growth from it?

All the patterns of a narcissist love relationship are mirrored in you in some way.  Each mirror in yourself is a map to your own vulnerability.  You were attracted to it because your soul wanted to heal your fear in some way.

This is why counseling from a Licensed Mental Health Professional, or at least joining a support group, is a good idea.  There are many online including on

NOTE:  I am not a Licensed Mental Health Professional.  My services are helpful for insight, but not therapy and therefore are not a replacement for counseling.

SELF ESTEEM.   In therapy you can learn about self esteem, how to develop it in yourself and be the light in this situation.

It is impossible to work on the narcissist.  This would be counter productive.  All it would do is keep you energetically entangled in the web.  Each time you try to change the narcissist you go in deeper.

The narcissist has to desire to work on them self and take ownership of that.

How and why did you attract a narcissist?  The answer is very simple.

You attracted a person hungry for but incapable of love, the narcissist, because you do not feel worthy of love!

Each feature of this syndrome is mirrored in your feeling unworthy of love.

The way to heal from a narcissist is to work on your sense of self worth, self esteem, being lovable.  Develop unconditional love for yourself.

One of the simplest ways to do this is with The JOY Secret.  Go HERE for more on this.

Perhaps the narcissist would heal if you were to say to them each time they placed a dagger in your heart, “You are worthy of love.  You do not have to hurt me to feel loved.”

Perhaps they will grow too from this.  Perhaps they will not. 

Since these concepts are tricky to implement on your own, it is advisable to seek the help of a highly skilled therapist, familiar with this pattern.

VIDEO ABOUT NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP PATTERN.  I found this video very helpful and describes thoroughly, and accurately the exact pattern I outlined above.  Enjoy.


Confused about your relationship?  As a Psychic Medium I am very good at peering into the psychology of others.  I can see deeply into their souls.  Book a session with me to help gain insight into your relationship and learn what to do about it.  Spirit Medium Laura book HERE.

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